This is My House

All week and weekend was spent updating, formatting and printing my resume and cover letters, submitting applications online, reading up on interview tips and practicising many sample aptitude tests.  *sighs* Its gruelling and tiring. It was exciting at first, but being confronted with your own limitations is pretty disheartening.

Feels strange putting on a business suit again after not working at ANZ for so long. Feels strange trying to ‘tone down’ my look, and being all professional and yuppie-like after being a student for so many years. Feels really strange having to do calculations after 5 years of not doing any. Feels REALLY REALLY strange having to mingle with recruiters, and hoping they find you good enough to ask for your CV and call you after. (even though they are really nice)

After attending the Malaysian Students Careers Fair at Arrow (I love how some Malaysian companies fly all the way here to recruit), my applications were accepted by BAT, Phillip Morris, HSBC. I wasn’t too keen on the other companies like Proton, MSC or Intel (no way i am moving to Penang even though the food is great). Hooray! I thought. At least my resume made it through..

But then came the friggin’ aptitude testing today and BAT didn’t accept me after that because I dieded in the numerical reasoning test. Died a painful half an hour death. I did well on the management and verbal reasoning tests ..however, I couldn’t complete 35 questions in 30 mins. I only did HALF! *@#*! Its like a bloody pressure cooker man. My brain doesn’t work naturally trying to gather info from calculations, figures and indexes. I started the test, and then soon after started to panic because I had no idea what the answers were. ‘Panic is not a good idea..be cool’ I told myself. BUT HOW NOT TO PANIC WHEN YOU HAVE 9 MINS TO DO 20 QUESTIONS?! My first thought when the BAT guy said ‘Time’s Up’ is unprintable here.

This is pretty early on in the recruitment process and its already disheartening. *wave buh-bye to the starting pay of RM2600* I’ll definitely have to do more aptitude tests further on with other MNCs (I know Prudential is one of them) so I have to get better in this particular area otherwise I can forget about working in a big firm. Hoping that at least the Phillip Morris interview goes better tommorow. N.B Congrats to J aka Suga Puff for getting through to the next stage with BAT!

I have yet to hear from the Big Four (Aussie based) and I guess only time will tell. My fear is that if I keep screwing up on the numerical tests, I won’t be able to find a job I want..and end up scrubbing toilets..hence never justifying the amount of time and money spent at Uni..hence being disowned by parents. *freakOUT* I have resorted to asking my total genius-at-math friends for any tips and help they can give me. In addition, i am going to be kiasu and hunt down any practice books.*GRRrrrr*

I admit this is a weakness, and I have to try to get better, otherwise I just have to accept my limitations (and that my friends, is never easy.) WHY WHY am I so bad with figures?! *rant* My wish is that I had a smarter brain but what to do? LV wasn’t built in a day damnit. Or maybe I’m not cut out for this. Too many rejections already, its a bad blow and sickening too.

On a different note, this signals the end of my childhood.

Time to enter the cut throat corporate world and prove myself worthy at earning moolah. Carefree days are coming to an end.. its a change, pretty scary and exciting at the same time. *thanks Steve for the morbid pic.*      

Ok, after the emo post ( I mean, if he didn’t give a rats a** during the relationship, why would he give a rats a** after? *smacks self on forehead*) it’s time for some general, mindless chatter.

One of my favourite-est comics is Zits, by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman. For some inane reason (chiefly being that I am no tech wiz) I was unable to paste a viewable comic strip here so here’s the link http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/zits.asp  for you guys to check out. Obviously my top fave is Calvin&Hobbes, having done some sort of homage to Bill Patterson on my body.

And this pretty little baby here is my next target. 

   Isn’t it just the cutest bag?

Its an LV Denim Monogram Speedy. I have always liked the Speedy model, but due to its massive popularity I see the Monogram Canvas one carried practically everywhere. I can’t wait to get my hands on one, but unfortunately there’s a waitlist here for it…gaHhh. So I have despatched a spy (like real la) who’s going over to Tokyo next week to help me see if there’s one available there.

Here’s hoping I get it eventually. *cross fingers* 

The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

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On a wintry afternoon a couple of years back, I was waiting on a train platform when an elderly chinese lady approached me and asked me for the time. ( Old ladies like me mah..we’re like fine wine, only get better with age.. *awww* yes yes, I hear y’all sniggering.. ;p)

We sat down and she told me that she was Malaysian too. To cut a long story short, she told me she fled to London just before WWII. She was a bright student, and had looked forward to pursuing higher education. Unfortunately, her parents had other ideas and wanted her to marry. She refused to be pushed into marriage and fled. Quite a rebel in those times huh? Imagine defying your parents and fleeing to some distant country, somewhat penniless. Most Asians have a serious complex about not wanting to let down their parents too. Must be some throwback to Confucious teachings.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to do that. I’m being honest when I say I think I’d be too chickenshit to do that. I feel that courage comes in many forms. The courage to admit your mistakes to yourself ..or to save a stranger/a mate in need. The courage to stand up to your family and friends..heck, it even takes courage to actually stand there, and receive punishment for your mistakes. The courage to donate blood, especially if you have a needle phobia..and to hark back to the days of teenage angst, the courage to be yourself, to be different!

Of course, there’s also the courage to hang upside down cliffs, to jump into shark infested waters, to ignore all human instinct and run towards a burning house instead of away. ( all the superhero stuff yes?)

On a more serious note, the courage to walk away from an abusive spouse or partner..the courage to break up a relationship that’s doomed..the courage to start life anew, and to accept changes. My heart goes out to the women (and men) who have walked away from domestic violence. You guys have strength in the bucketloads.*mwahs* Its so hard when you leave someone you love, but if they are destroying you then you must go.    

I have a male friend who absolutely can’t stand his mistakes being pointed out, no matter how gently we put it. He’ll have a serious hissy fit..gawd, is it a male ego thing? They just can’t be told that what they did was just plain wrong, and will fight to the death over who was right? Or is it that they are trying to cultivate some sort of Mr.Great Guy reputation?

To these types of people I say this: GROW SOME REAL B*LLS.

*Disclaimer: This story was written purely for interests’ sake, and not intended as a religious tool. Any mistakes with spelling, grammar or fact are completely my own.

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It was unbelievably hot and humid in Ipoh before lunchtime, and the old folks home was full of grumpy geriatrics (Ironically, the place is called SunShine Home..hmm) I was there to visit grandpa, as he had been sick lately and I wanted to see him before I came back to Melbourne. In a corner, sat a senior lady with a walker, presumably one of the homes’ residents. She flashed a small smile at me as I walked past her. She was alert and sitting upright, not slouched or lying down like the rest.

While my other relatives fussed around grandpa, I thought I’d say hi to the pohpoh. She looked like she was friendly and wasn’t about to start cussing any moment. Plus she kind of reminded me of my own grandma. So I pulled up a chair and attempted to break the ice in my broken Cantonese. Eventually my cousin came over to say ‘Hi’ as she was familar with this particular old lady (and *thank heavens* to act as an interpreter for me).

I learnt that her name was Grandma Kam Lim and the story of her life began to unfold. She used to live in Cheras, KL after retiring as a vegetable farmer up in Cameron Highlands. Now, most of these old Chinese ladies have had little education and had to make a living doing hard labour in plantations or farms. Most are staunch believers in Chinese customs and rituals and are either Buddist or Taoist. Her life was similar to my own grandma. As it turns out, Grandma Kam Lim too prayed to the Chinese Goddess of Mercy.

At the age of 35, she was diagnosed with a large ovarian cyst. She had surgery to remove the cyst and as a result, lay sick in the hospital for many days as a persistent fever had resulted from the post op. Nothing could bring down the burning fever, and she lay hovering near death. One of those nights, she had a dream that she was in a barren place, devoid of a single blade of grass or trees. She walked along this empty wasteland until she saw a man, wearing a long sleeved robe with wide cuffs (she even demonstrated to me how wide his cuffs were). This man was waving at her, shouting and gesturing at her to "turn back!!" Next thing she knew, she woke up at 3a.m in her hospital bed. The next day, her fever receeded and she was eventually discharged.

The Chinese believe that certain foods are toxic, particularly if you’ve been ill. She tried to resume life as normal, but everytime she ate eggs, prawns or crabs she fell ill. As a result, she avoided those foods for fear of suffering an allergic reaction. Twenty seven years went by and one fine day, her relatives bought her to a small church up in Cameron Highlands. As she walked towards the simple little church, she stopped in her tracks, in recognition of the face on the statue. It was the face of the man she had seen in her dreams all those years ago. That night, she asked God that if He was real, He’d let her eat eggs, prawns and crabs as she was getting old and didn’t have that much longer to live, and to let her enjoy the simple pleasures of delicious food again.      

It was a simple, child-like request from a simple old lady. She proudly told me that she has since eaten whatever she wanted from that day forth with no side effects. I said goodbye to Grandma Kam Lim that day, a little skeptical and later little stunned, for I thought she was in her 60s, as she spoke animatedly and stayed focused and alert throughout the entire conversation. Even then, her eyes kept darting towards everyone who walked in and she explained that she was on the lookout for her relatives. Later, my aunt told me that she’s actually in her 80’s.. O_O

Why the tale? She was an old lady with some time on her hands, she didn’t want any money or pity from me. I had some time to spare and I am so glad I heard her story. It shows, how simple Life can be sometimes. To Love, To Believe, To have Faith. 

*Grandma Kam Lim can be seen grooving it up at Kampar Church once a month.*     

Ok, if anyone thought I was talking about a foursome- U SICKO! *smack*

This post is dedicated to the 3 men who have helped shape me in some way or another.. thank you, for all that it was worth.

No.1 is dad obviously. The man who bought me my first red bicycle with a pink basket and taught me how to cycle (even after I fell off and threw a bigfattantrum.) The man who taught me how to cast a rod, how to swim, and introduced me to the beautiful game and Man Utd. (He must have wished I was a boy?) The man who took me to my first race track in Batu Tiga and allowed me the use of his beloved Saab Turbo to practice my manual driving and parking, even after I ‘parked’ it into a tree..oops.

Dad has taught me the value of integrity and honesty, the importance of being true to yourself and a parent’s unconditional love. I never really understood why he was frugal until recently when I found out that he sacrificed personal profits for his principles. As an architect in the highly corrupt building and construction industry in Malaysia, someone who turns a blind eye to unscrupulous practices can stand to gain big $$ as building projects have funds upto millions of ringgit. Most people I know will call it a no-brainer, I mean- if you get to line your own pockets, its the smartest thing to do right? Not for dad. Ethics is not just knowing which is black, or white- its knowing what to do in the grey areas. Currently, dad is serving as a consultant of residents in Klang - they’ve been conned by the developers, as their brand new homes are sliding down a hill- and dad will represent them at an upcoming tribunal hearing.

No.2 is a good guy (although sometimes abit too complicated for his own good) and my first brush with love. Brainy, quiet, sporty but unassuming, he caught my eye when I was just thirteen. We grew up together in school and I can still remember how bleedin’ excited I was when he escorted me to the high school prom. We shared alot of laughs and good times over the years with trips along with friends to Perhentian, Bangkok and Australia. He always encouraged me when I doubted myself and for his endless patience, I will always be grateful. Unfortunately, life has lead us along different paths and its hard to keep something going when you can’t even date normally- you simply grow differently as people. I only wish for good things to come to him, and hope that he is doing well forging his promising career. "earn mucho greenbacks, ok!"      

No.3 is someone I never expected to fall for, but somehow, somewhere along the line, I did. Now I have learnt that when people say nice things initially, they rarely mean it, and when they do mean it later, its usually something awful. The hurt reaches in so deep, that I feel like I have ice water running through my veins. He barely flutters an eyelash while I feel like I got mowed down by a truck? GeeZes.

I thought I had a meaningful connection with him; he was smart, funny,witty and attractive and I loved being around him because he made me laugh. It felt like I’d always known him, it was natural to confide in each other as well as share similar interests. Furthermore, he was caring and sweet at first. I honestly thought there was some solid grounds for a good r’ship y’know? You finally take a proper chance, and when you’re abandoned all your worst fears are confirmed. That you really aren’t worth caring for. That he was right when he said "You’re not special enough so I can’t love you." Then came the kicker, "Who gave u an invitation to my life anyway?" Whoever said that words can’t break bones didn’t know that it can break one’s spirit.

I have tried to bury the pain by not talking about it, but it had to eventually come out as I was plagued by nightmares of him and her, weight loss and insomnia. F-A-N-Freakin-T-A-S-T-I-C. I wasn’t the perfect woman, but I tried to make him happy. He couldn’t even hug me when my grandma died..did I deserve so little? He couldn’t reciprocate, and its pitiful when you’re so blinded by past love to fail to appreciate what’s true and sincere. Uh huh, take a left and turn right at P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. *trying hard not to turn to the dark side*

As humans, its easier to be angry than to be hurt. We fail to see that one is a most convenient disguise for the other. All I can say is, its sad as he can only love pretty girls who are selfish, manipulative and cold. Lucky for him there’s a whole heap of them out there. It was my mistake to make, as I did not judge him on his reputation but in the end, all he did was prove them right. I thought I knew him better than that, but he didn’t want to prove that he was worthy of my trust and respect. *shakes head in disappointment*